As we mentioned in last week’s post, as you move through the process of reconciliation following a moral failure, it is important to begin by seeking forgiveness from those your actions have impacted. We highlighted some of the important steps and traps to avoid. We continue this conversation by discussing an added need in the process.
When seeking forgiveness for a failure, it is necessary to be willing to reestablish trust. I may have said this before, but we always told our children, “It is great to be sorry, but what we need is to see that you are different.” In other words, your desire to be forgiven will only ring true if you are ready to change your behavior. To ask forgiveness for something you are continually doing is hypocritical and hurtful.
This requires the understanding and practice of another important truth. Good intentions have no value if not followed by good actions. Your desire to leave your hurtful practice behind must be accompanied by a willingness and effort to do the hard work of following through.
Practically, this may mean things like not having access to the internet without your spouse or someone else present. The offended party may be more demanding of knowing where you are going and when you will return. It may require less freedom and more accountability. As tough as this is, you need to keep in mind it was your inability to govern your own actions that caused your failure in the first place. Therefore, you probably need the boundaries being asked of you.
There also may be need for reconciliation and accountability with people not as directly affected by your poor choices. This will require a sensitivity to the feelings of people you meet and the leading of God’s Spirit.
One final note on this topic. You may do everything right in trying reconciliation with someone and they may reject your efforts. If this happens, there are several options to consider. These are not mutually exclusive and may need to be practiced together. One is simply to give it time. Some pains are deep and take time to heal. If your first attempt is rebuffed, give the person some time to think and pray and revisit it later. You also might consider inviting the person to join you in counseling to help deal with the pain and disappointment of betrayal. If you are married, this could be done together.
Again, if your request for forgiveness and reconciliation is not at once accepted, you must avoid passing blame to the other person. You have no way of knowing how they deal with the pain they suffer and wat it will take to resolve it. When you have done your part, you need to leave the outcome in God’s hands.