Scripture gives us just two biblically justifiable reasons for divorce. The Apostle Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7, that if an unbelieving spouse chooses to divorce, the believer is free to let them go. By the way, this is why it is so important for beliers to marry other believers. Jesus gives us another basis for a divorce that frees the offended party, adultery. Since he tells us in the Sermon on the Mount that if a man lusts after a woman in his heart, he has committed adulty, this takes many forms. Obviously, a physical relationship outside of the marriage bond is clearly adultery. However, I have dealt with situations of pornography and phone sex and even a nonphysical infatuation that have led to broken homes.
When interpreting the words of Jesus and Paul on this matter, it is important to know that these offenses do not require divorce. In fact, in Ephesians 5, Paul reveals the deep love and concern for marriage that Jesus has. His desire is always reconciliation. This is why restitution with a spouse and family is so vital.
I want to remind us that restitution is defined as paying back something taken without consent. This does not involve the repayment of money or even time. What is taken from the family without consent with a moral failure is TRUST! In my nearly forty years of vocational ministry, I have sat with many couples. Some were coming for pre-marital counseling with all the hope and expectation of a new life together. Others came with the anguish and shame of a broken relationship due to immorality. In most of these situations I have made this statement, “Long term marital love is spelled T-R-U-S-T!” This does not take away from the warm fuzzy feelings or the emotional bond of love. However, trust is the foundation of those feelings.
I mentioned in an earlier post that initially in a relationship, trust is offered without having to be earned. That is part of “falling in love”. But a trust that is broken cannot simply be handed back. It must be part of the restitution process. In its simplest terms, trust can only be rebuilt by the one who broke trust proving himself worthy to be trusted again.
I will repeat something I have said many times in this process. This is going to take time. In this situation, it could take a lot of time. It is the responsibility of the person who fell into sin to work at making the rebuilding of trust a reality. Unfortunately, immoral behavior often comes with lies to cover the behavior. Therefore, verbal promises of being over the behavior have little value in the beginning. Our words are only as trustworthy as our actions that support them. So, simply telling your spouse you are being faithful is not going to rebuild trust.
The greatest tool we have to rebuild trust is an unrestricted willingness for accountability. This means the willingness to answer any question at any time about where you are and what you are doing. It’s allowing your spouse to check with others to affirm the truth of your words without you taking offense. It may mean less freedom to be away from family or a loss of alone time. Accountability requires a willingness to have phone and computer use monitored by your spouse. Some have had their wives password protect the internet so the husband could not log on without her being present. Accountability also requires someone outside of your home to whom you can turn as a safety net when you are tempted to return to your sin. In short, restitution for families means willingly doing whatever they ask without bitterness, anger, or frustration. Remember, you made the poor choice and the payment for restoring your relationship is yours to make.
Next week, we will wrap up this discussion with some encouragement and hope.